Who did this to her? Why did she suffer? Where does my life go from here? Am I being punished for my past? Is she being punished? How am I going to survive? Am I now an outcast among the family? Could things have been different if I had loved her more? Could I have hugged and kissed her more? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do? Could the outcome have been different if I had done just one thing? I have feelings of anger, hate, despair, loneliness, sorrow, and many other feelings I didn’t know existed. These are just a few of the things constantly running through my mind. The ongoing thoughts within my mind are an everyday ordeal. You see, my wife died from cancer after 22 years of marriage. We had been together 27 years. Those were the most wonderful years of my life. I always thought that I was in heaven. But in a flash she was gone and I am alone. My lover, my best friend, my soulmate, was gone. Life as I knew it has forever changed. Am I prepared? I shouldn’t be writing this. She is a much better writer and too good a person for this to happen too. What went wrong?

I can’t describe the feelings within myself watching my wife die. Outside I may have seemed calm but inside my heart and soul was being ripped from me. Nothing I could do would prevent her death. Nothing I could do within the legal limits of the law to ease her pain. Four days of excruciating thoughts and feelings ripping at me like I was being gutted. I can’t help her. I can’t save her. Surely there’s something I can do, but what? Yes, I cried, but not often. I think the past seven months had prepared me for the eventual outcome. I think she knew all along that her time here on earth was limited. I struggled deep within myself trying to figure out what to do. The harsh reality was, nothing.

My wife knew my track record with women and always thought that when she got seriously ill I wouldn’t be around. My love for her proved she was wrong. I did things for her that others wouldn’t think of doing do. I won’t elaborate but imagine helping someone do everything that they used to do when healthy. I think it hurt me more than her. I hated seeing her in the condition she was in.

When she was in the hospital for the last time, I left work to tell her something. I walked into the hospital room and said “honey, I have been wanting you to eat, drink and fight this disease because I wanted you around for me. I was being selfish. This isn’t about me. It’s about you. You do what you need to do, what you feel you have to do”. I firmly believe that was the turning point in her fight with cancer.

I believe that who and what I am today is because of her. Her closest friends said our marriage would never work. Well, it did. Better than all the skeptics thought it would. Her best friend Joanne, told her not to marry me and then said she couldn’t believe the change in me once we were married. To this day, Joanne remains my best friend and confidant. She knows me better than anyone and she’s always there when I need someone to talk too. We have spent untold hours talking on the phone. I am able to express my deepest thoughts to her and her support is helping me make it through this transition period.

I have to extend my deepest gratitude to Medicare. If it weren’t for them, I would be in the poorhouse and probably even dead. My savings is intact and I still own my home. I feel sorry for older individuals if the government messes with Medicare. Instead of one person dying there will be two. Our country thinks it’s necessary to spend billions on bailouts to companies that have or eventually will go bankrupt. Billions are spent for wars and more billions sent to other countries for untold reasons. Why? Shouldn’t our number one priority be the citizens of this great country? Politicians are legal crooks only interested in satisfying the own personal greed and pork projects that have no rhyme or reason. What ever happened to “and that government of the people, by the people, for the people”?

I have spent the last 5 weeks getting my house in order, making it easier for me to keep clean. For the first time in 27 years I now have to pay the bills, manage the paper work, go grocery shopping, do the laundry, take care of the gardening, and clean house. At times it seems overwhelming. I’ve done those things before but not alone. I have kept so busy that time spent thinking about my wife is kept to a minimum. I have lost over 15 pounds during that time. It isn’t easy and I know there will come a time when all the work is done and I will have more time to reflect. That is just starting to happen. There is less to do and more time to think. It feels like a knife digging into my heart each time I think about her. I’ve been told there will come a day when all this will hit me. It could be days, weeks, months or over a year, but it will hit. I hope it happens soon. I don’t like feeling like this but for now it’s a reality that I must live with and face each day.

It’s strange how people think when someone contracts a disease like cancer. They don’t call because they don’t know what to say. Even most family members tend to refrain from an occasional phone call. One would get the impression that either they don’t care and don’t want to deal with it. Or, they’ve been so busy and haven’t had time to call. Personally, I don’t understand it. Since her death on May 6, 2009, the only family members that have called are son and one sister. It appears everyone else has vanished. Am I supposed to call them? One would think they would have at least some concern about how I’m doing. From what I have read, this isn’t totally unexpected. I don’t blame anyone. That’s just the way it is and I accept that.

I’ve been told that life goes on. That’s easy to say but harder to do. With thoughts racing through my head like a freight train, it’s tearing me apart. I have read and been told to take each day one day at a time. To do what I need to do and not what others think I should do. What do I want? What is going to make this easier? I don’t know. I do know that my wife always told me I couldn’t live alone. Even her best friend Joanne said if my wife saw me sitting here she would come down and beat me with a stick and say “get it together. You have a different life and sitting there isn’t the way to start it off.” Both are probably right. I am the kind of person that wants someone to love, someone to come home too from work everyday and say “honey, I’m home and I love you”. To say goodnight and I love you. To hug, kiss and hold. I can’t remember but one day that I never said I love you at least 4-5 times. In our 27 plus years we had one major argument. I never took our love for each other for granted. How many married people can say that? How many of you say I love you at least once a day?

How long must I grieve? Things aren’t exactly like they were 27 years ago. I don’t go to bars. I don’t socialize much. My wife and I were homebodies. We loved being together and just hanging out. I couldn’t remember one day when I used to work in Chicago that I didn’t want to come home. As a matter of fact, I can’t remember one day during our marriage that not coming home ever entered my mind. If I went out today, every woman I would look at would remind me of my wife. The perfect woman must meet my stringent qualifications. That is, they must look, act and love just like my wife. Do you realize how difficult finding another partner is going to be for me with demands like that? Pretty high standards don’t you think? In my way of thinking, I’ll probably have to settle for less if I’m going partner searching. But wait! Maybe it’s too soon. What will family members think? Why should I care? Exactly what time frame are we looking at? Think of this first. This is my life, not yours. I have to do what’s best for me. I need to move on. I need someone. I’m alone and it’s a position I don’t want to be in. This doesn’t mean I love my deceased wife any less. I would cut off both my arms and legs just to have 5 more minutes with her. Go ahead. Tell me what you think is a good time for me to move on. Six months? A year? Two years? If this would ease any minds it won’t be any time soon. I have too much to do and it takes up most of my time. I dread the arrival of winter. I hope I can face the rest of my life without her.

I have a website where family, or anyone for that matter, could go and see pictures and movies. On that site is also a journal of my wife’s battle with cancer. People outside the family constantly tell me they can see how much I loved my wife when they read the journal. It’s over 12 pages long and I have read it over and over and I can’t see what they do. I could reproduce that whole journal here but it’s easier just to go to my website. If you’re interested, go to http://www.goofygrandpa.com. At the bottom of the page you will see a box with “submit password”. Type “rose” (no quotes, lower case).

So here I sit, typing this and not in any particular order, just thoughts about what has happened and what’s going to happen. It’s amazing how much more I am aware of this dreaded disease called cancer. It doesn’t discriminate and no one is immune. I think of all the little children who have this disease and their lives are just beginning to start. I wish I could help them. I feel I failed helping my wife and I have the need to do something good for someone else. When I said I failed I know it isn’t true. But, the feelings are still there, hounding me each and every day. I can’t stop them. Only for brief moments do I turn my thoughts to something else but the thoughts of failure always return. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No. Someday you may experience what I am going through and then you will understand.

I had a garage sale and people said they’ve never been to one like mine. I practically gave things away. Mind you, that what I did sell didn’t have any sentimental value attached to them. I was determined not to bring anything back into the house and that’s exactly what happened. Not one item came back inside. All items were sold, given away or trashed. I remember a little girl that was looking at a doll with a couple of accessories. She picked the doll up and mom shook her head no. They started to walk away and I went over, picked up the doll and accessories and gave them to the little girl. The mom said she would pay for it but I refused. The smile on the little girls face was priceless. A woman with cancer was looking at a small tv with a built-in vcr. The price was 20 dollars but I told her today was her lucky day. For you it’s 5 bucks. She looked at me like I lost my marbles. She also was looking at a 20 dollar lighted Christmas tree. I told her it was also 5 dollars. She turned to me and said something good was going to happen to me. It felt good to see the smiles on people’s faces.

It’s been said that my wife is in a better place. Is she? The one thing I can be certain of is the pain is gone. No more suffering. Will I see her again in another life? I don’t know. I sure hope so. I miss her terribly. My heart is missing a huge chunk and it’s doubtful it will ever be replaced. I don’t want to replace it. I want her, not a replacement.

Some people may say I was and still am obsessed with my wife. To that I reply “You’re darn right I am and damn proud of it”. I adored and admired her. I loved her with 99% of my heart. I always told her the remaining 1% was for the grandchildren. You would have been also if you knew and loved her like I do. She was my once in a lifetime soulmate.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to express my feelings and it was suggested that I write them down. I hope some family members don’t take parts of this article personally. I can’t help what I’m feeling or thinking. The loss of a loved one is a fact of life. We all will eventually die. Are you prepared? Believe me, being prepared and then experiencing it are two different things. It’s an emptiness that can’t ever be filled. It’s a loneliness that doesn’t go away. It’s only been slightly over a month since she passed and one might say my feelings will change. Yes, some feelings will change but never the love I have for her. For her there will always be a large part of my heart reserved for what I hope will be our eventual reunion.

To Joanne I extend my deepest gratitude and utmost respect for all you have done. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you my friend. Thank you for being there and the hours spent talking on the phone.

I love and miss you Rosie.

Patrick

Struggling with grief